you have lost me today. - 19th aug

i slipping into something called depression.
when my personal problems are starting to settle,
other problems rises.
and it triggers other problems again.(its a cycle)

i love my mum and dad, i hate them too.
but now, there's no hate nor love.
i have no feelings for them, that's the saddest thing.

sometimes i just wish i could walk out and never turn back.
sometimes i just wish i wasn't even born.
sometimes i just wish i was... (you know)
even if i really perish from the face of the earth, they probably wouldn't give a damn.
(don't worry. i would never do something stupid like this. i still wanna live and find my one and only.ha)

maybe you should stop poking your nose into my business.
stop interferring with my life.
you mind yours and i will mind mine.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be



I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
And everything left's a waste of time


dont' threaten me, for i'm not afraid. don't judge me, because i don't care. but don't judge the people whom i am with, as it pisses me off. don't think you understand because you really don't. you never listen because you thought you are always right, and i am always the one at fault, but you did not know you are the root to all these problems that i am facing. you never knew what i am going through, because you never asked, perhaps you never cared. your care and concern is just superficial, you never knew what i need deep down inside. 14 years, i grew up as a latchkey kid. returning home to an empty house. my friends are my only companion when you all was away. they are my only confidante because they are the one who really listen. now you are taking them away from me. you might as well kill me. you never knew why i was always out, because i see no point in staying at home, a cold home, where no one really listen. everytime when i cry, you never knew, because i never showed. even so, you thought i was throwing tantrums. how much do you understand me? you said you never understand because i never share, but the fact is when i wanted to say, you were never there. when you were there, you never listen. how would you understand? you said i gave you sleepless nights, i gave you problems. but did you know you are the root to all my problems? you said i broke your heart, but did you know you broke mine a long time ago. you said i broke the trust you gave me, but in fact you never trusted me, there wasn't trust in the first place. you doubted everything i do and say. you questioned every decision i made. you said you are disappointed in me, but did you know you are the real disappointment. you was never once there. since you are never really there for me, i seek what you have failed to give me in my friends. i don't need superficial stuff. what i really need is something you can never give. its too late to make ammendments. you have lost the chance to do so. you have never given me what i need, so you have no right to take anything away from me. if you think i never appreciate what you have done, you are wrong. if you think i take everything for granted, you are wrong. i grateful and thankful you put me through school and uni, gave me food and clothe me.but its just that you never gave the very basic thing that i need, your presence, your listening ear. for only once in my life have i enjoyed your company for a whole full month (24/7). but that was when i was really ill. i know you need to work so that we can lead better and comfortable lives, but that's secondary. you said i've changed, but i have never once changed. that's the real me you are seeing now. i've been suppressing the real me and trying to be the one you think i should be. you've always compared me with my better cousin but you didn't know that i can never me like them because i am not them.
i am keeping quiet today because there is no point arguing at all. you will never listen. all is too late now. you will never understand. because i will never will share again. making ammendments will not help for i have given up. all is just too late. very late. you've missed the chance. if you have a little mercy now, just don't take away the last and only thing i have. my friends. you have already lose me, taking them away, you will lose me - physically. just show me mercy. let me be the real me. i cannot fit into the shoes you wanted me to wear anymore. blisters and sores are all over my feet, the bones are breaking - i am breaking. i don't need you so soothe those sores, neither would you do that if i wanted you too. just don't rub salt into them and i'll be thankful. 19th august 2007, 1147hrs. the day you lost me. the final brick of my berlin wall has been laid. you will never walk into my life and i will never let you anymore. its all too late. everything from now on will never be the same. it just cannot be the same anymore. am only an empty shell. an empty shell in front of you. hollow.