dead and hate - 23rd aug

i am so f**king dead now.
slept for 5hrs last night and i am not even done with my essay.
i procrastinated too much, even though i know i would end up like this.
but it cannot be help. i only work when i feel the urgency (like i only run to the loo when i am urgent. haha)

i hate myself now.
for being so weak. mentally. (i can't help it. its controlling me more than i am controlling it)
i gave in to my desire. the desire to see you.
i've kinda regretted asking you out.
i should have stand firm. be more determine.
now, healing would be even tougher.

on one hand, i hope you could make it,
on the other, i hope you can't.

我努力的仰着脸孔
试着眼泪不往下流
别往下流

不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同
很不相同

想要说
却还沉默
伸出手
无法触碰

天空突然一片辽阔
原来你是真的已经离开我
在我不熟悉的世界过新的生活

闭上眼让泪水滑落
此刻你已真的永远离开我
在另外一个没有我的世界
自由的走

i just love this song.

there's something on my mind all these while
and i am dying to ask.
at the end of this whole race, its the only one question that i want to know:
have you ever at one point, like me?
i guess i've already know the answer.
but i just want to be sure so that thers's no room for me to hope for anything,
so that i can really let go, accept, forget and heal.

ps: that friend status is the last connection between you and me. i don't wish to lose that status, no matter what.