29th aug

august is coming to an end.
its amazing how time flies.
its super duper ultra fast
and that day is getting nearer.

been working on hmt,
and what the f**king hell is 'collision effect'?
i just don't understand
ARGHS!

it rained like mad today.
flooded everywhere.
its a wet day

and i am moody

ps: keep things simple. complexity doesn't help.

every beat of my heart, is a rhythm of love

i dreamt. - 27th aug

i dreamt of you again.
i don't know why.
its so hard to give up
to let go
to forget.

i need answer,
but at the same time
i already knew it.
i don't know what i am still holding on to

i really need to let go.

ps: sometimes i wonder, if miracles do happen.

fragile.

veron told me something ystd
which made me jolt out from my seat.
its a real shocker.
and its rather sad.
may god bless him
hope he will win that fight and survive.
it's still to early to go.
there's still a long road ahead.
he's still young

2 road accidents happened near my house.
its freaky.
killing one and seriously injured another.
and it happened in 2 consecutive days!
is it a coincidence or... (hmm... you know what i mean)

life is so fragile.
you'll never know whats gonna happen next.
my brush with death 2 years ago made me understand that
live like you gonna die tomorrow.
don't end a day with regrets.

have you ever wonder,
if you will to die tomorrow,
what is the last thing you would want to do?
i don't know. all i know is that i will want to see the ones i love for the last time. capture all their faces in my mind and bring it with me to another world.

its depressing to talk about such stuff
but sometimes when something happen to someone you know
and that they may probably leave this place
makes you realise how fragile one can be.

ps: i dreamt about you ystd. it was beautiful, but it will only be a dream.

sick. - 25th aug

its 0042hrs
and i am at home
just reached home from my movie
its the earliest time that i've reached home.

i am tired.
super tired.
running a slight fever.
having a sore throat.
i'm gonna fall sick!

rush hour 3 was nice
damn funny.
laugh till there was tears in my eyes.
he laughed like mad too.
but i was madder.
haha

gonna kiss my bed soon.

ps: a dumb block, a crazy bitch and lots of silence.

phew! - 24th aug

finally i am done with my essay!
0240hrs.
i am not very please with it, but i am glad i finished it.
i just hope i can get a decent grade. distinction?

i am scared that i wrote out of point.

just don't want to think about it already
i need to sleep.
i've got eye bags and panda eyes.
super deprive of sleep.

i am left with slightly more than 4 hours of sleep.

fingers cross.

so, i am going to the movies tmr night.
i kinda regretted asking, but then since i have already asked
i'll have to go.
i just hope tmr night would not be the worse night ever.
i hope i don't screw things up like the previous timeS. (yes, alot of time)
hope things goes well. at least better than the other time.
i am keeping my fingers cross.

essay! let me see...
i am left with conclusion, final editing and referencing to do. woot!
actually, i think its still a long way from FINISH!
i just hope i can finish everything tonight. (its a must anyway)
keeping my fingers cross.

dead and hate - 23rd aug

i am so f**king dead now.
slept for 5hrs last night and i am not even done with my essay.
i procrastinated too much, even though i know i would end up like this.
but it cannot be help. i only work when i feel the urgency (like i only run to the loo when i am urgent. haha)

i hate myself now.
for being so weak. mentally. (i can't help it. its controlling me more than i am controlling it)
i gave in to my desire. the desire to see you.
i've kinda regretted asking you out.
i should have stand firm. be more determine.
now, healing would be even tougher.

on one hand, i hope you could make it,
on the other, i hope you can't.

我努力的仰着脸孔
试着眼泪不往下流
别往下流

不安的感觉到什么
在我生活中不再相同
很不相同

想要说
却还沉默
伸出手
无法触碰

天空突然一片辽阔
原来你是真的已经离开我
在我不熟悉的世界过新的生活

闭上眼让泪水滑落
此刻你已真的永远离开我
在另外一个没有我的世界
自由的走

i just love this song.

there's something on my mind all these while
and i am dying to ask.
at the end of this whole race, its the only one question that i want to know:
have you ever at one point, like me?
i guess i've already know the answer.
but i just want to be sure so that thers's no room for me to hope for anything,
so that i can really let go, accept, forget and heal.

ps: that friend status is the last connection between you and me. i don't wish to lose that status, no matter what.

will i be one of them? - 22nd aug

you said you are "going to miss everything"
will i be one of them that you will be missing?

hell no.

ps: chronic fatigue

forgive, forget, accept - 21st aug

for the past few days, i was in a foul mood.
things at home are slightly better.
we have started talking, but things aren't rosy yet.
its easy for me to forgive what you have said and pretend nothing has happen
but forgetting would be tough.
your words are echo-ing in my head now and then
and its really very hurtful.

other then things at home that is causing that foul mood of mine,
there are problems...
that damn ER essay is gonna drive me bonkers.
writing is easy (just dump the facts) but linking them up and having that 'flow' is so difficult.
argh!

i've accept the fact that probably we will never be together.
that's why i've given up
but to accept the fact that
one day someone will be beside you,
sitting on that front seat of your car,
holding your hands,
and that person isn't me
makes my heart sink.
i've still got a long way to go.
healing is difficult. accepting everything is hard.
sometimes i wonder, can time really heal all wounds?

你说把爱渐渐放下会走更远
或许命运的签只让我们遇见
只让我们相恋这一季的秋天
飘落后才发现这幸福的碎片
要我怎么捡

only time will tell if it really can heal all wounds.
i guess accepting is the most difficult part in the healing process.
you've got to accept everything.
only then you will start healing.
(sometimes i wish he could just go and be a priest. haha. i think it would be easier for me to accept it)

ps: an untold secret, a hidden truth.

probably - 20th aug

i've been blogging religiously...
YEAH!
if only i am so devoted in doing my work.!
ha.

prices and market test today
was okay i guess.
but okay isn't enough...
i need As.
haha... am i asking too much?

deadbeat, moody, restless and uneasy.

ps: is the impossible happening? probably.

you have lost me today. - 19th aug

i slipping into something called depression.
when my personal problems are starting to settle,
other problems rises.
and it triggers other problems again.(its a cycle)

i love my mum and dad, i hate them too.
but now, there's no hate nor love.
i have no feelings for them, that's the saddest thing.

sometimes i just wish i could walk out and never turn back.
sometimes i just wish i wasn't even born.
sometimes i just wish i was... (you know)
even if i really perish from the face of the earth, they probably wouldn't give a damn.
(don't worry. i would never do something stupid like this. i still wanna live and find my one and only.ha)

maybe you should stop poking your nose into my business.
stop interferring with my life.
you mind yours and i will mind mine.

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I'm becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb, I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be



I got a heart full of pain, head full of stress
Handful of anger held in my chest
And everything left's a waste of time


dont' threaten me, for i'm not afraid. don't judge me, because i don't care. but don't judge the people whom i am with, as it pisses me off. don't think you understand because you really don't. you never listen because you thought you are always right, and i am always the one at fault, but you did not know you are the root to all these problems that i am facing. you never knew what i am going through, because you never asked, perhaps you never cared. your care and concern is just superficial, you never knew what i need deep down inside. 14 years, i grew up as a latchkey kid. returning home to an empty house. my friends are my only companion when you all was away. they are my only confidante because they are the one who really listen. now you are taking them away from me. you might as well kill me. you never knew why i was always out, because i see no point in staying at home, a cold home, where no one really listen. everytime when i cry, you never knew, because i never showed. even so, you thought i was throwing tantrums. how much do you understand me? you said you never understand because i never share, but the fact is when i wanted to say, you were never there. when you were there, you never listen. how would you understand? you said i gave you sleepless nights, i gave you problems. but did you know you are the root to all my problems? you said i broke your heart, but did you know you broke mine a long time ago. you said i broke the trust you gave me, but in fact you never trusted me, there wasn't trust in the first place. you doubted everything i do and say. you questioned every decision i made. you said you are disappointed in me, but did you know you are the real disappointment. you was never once there. since you are never really there for me, i seek what you have failed to give me in my friends. i don't need superficial stuff. what i really need is something you can never give. its too late to make ammendments. you have lost the chance to do so. you have never given me what i need, so you have no right to take anything away from me. if you think i never appreciate what you have done, you are wrong. if you think i take everything for granted, you are wrong. i grateful and thankful you put me through school and uni, gave me food and clothe me.but its just that you never gave the very basic thing that i need, your presence, your listening ear. for only once in my life have i enjoyed your company for a whole full month (24/7). but that was when i was really ill. i know you need to work so that we can lead better and comfortable lives, but that's secondary. you said i've changed, but i have never once changed. that's the real me you are seeing now. i've been suppressing the real me and trying to be the one you think i should be. you've always compared me with my better cousin but you didn't know that i can never me like them because i am not them.
i am keeping quiet today because there is no point arguing at all. you will never listen. all is too late now. you will never understand. because i will never will share again. making ammendments will not help for i have given up. all is just too late. very late. you've missed the chance. if you have a little mercy now, just don't take away the last and only thing i have. my friends. you have already lose me, taking them away, you will lose me - physically. just show me mercy. let me be the real me. i cannot fit into the shoes you wanted me to wear anymore. blisters and sores are all over my feet, the bones are breaking - i am breaking. i don't need you so soothe those sores, neither would you do that if i wanted you too. just don't rub salt into them and i'll be thankful. 19th august 2007, 1147hrs. the day you lost me. the final brick of my berlin wall has been laid. you will never walk into my life and i will never let you anymore. its all too late. everything from now on will never be the same. it just cannot be the same anymore. am only an empty shell. an empty shell in front of you. hollow.

random. - 18th aug

i've given up,
because i don't know what's worth fighting for anymore.
there's nothing that can make me carry on.

yes, i am freed. finally.

what ahead of me now is a process of healing.
learning to love someone
other than you.
to believe others, accept others.

i am happier.
because i don't have any burden.
no more sorrow.
no more pain.
i've been your jailbird for 4 years
and i am now a free man.
free from your clutches, or rather i freed myself from your clutches.

we will be friends. back to where we began.
and i really feel happier and free.
i don't live for you
i live for myself, for others, and for what's install ahead for me.
a world without you would be better

i am just happy.

the grand finale is over.
applause have died down.
audience have disperse.
its time to reflect on our performance.
and i give myself a perfect score.
i've finished it with grace. not a single tear shed.
no struggles.
with grace and beauty, everything came to an end.
a beautiful ending.
there will be no encore.


eventually, it came to an end. with grace and beauty.

night of colours - 17th aug

rec. peh book out lo...
went to watch fireworks with him and may.
ehs... super crowded.



the steps outside marina square is already filled up when we got there
had to stand for another freaking 45 mins before the fireworks started.

and my may got new looks le...
the nerd


blurred - nerdy.

fireworks was not bad la.
but i think last year one was better
the group behind us was like bloody noisy
SHUT YOUR GAP, YOU ASSHOLES!


painted the sky red


shooting stars


lighting up the skies - you used to light up my life.

did not take alot of pictures. lazy.
after that walk to suntec for dinner/supper
but most of the restaurants are closed. damn.
had to settle for Just Noodles (the shop name)


the nerd.


the very nerd.


the retarded nerd.


the grand finale - let what happen this few months be the grand finale for the 4 years. beautiful yet shortlived.

ps: my feeling now is mixed. hidding the truth.

kickass singaporean - 16th aug

go read this article (click here)

he is just way too much.
you think MRT your house downstairs de kopitiam issit?!
eating prata and chucking the rubbish under the seat... *disbelieve*
your mother never teach you how to be considerate arhs?!

imagine the smell...
think about other commuters la.
i am sure some are also hungry
but if everyone is like that asshole guy, might as well turn the MRT into a portable kopitiam.
eat in the train jiu suan le, still throw the rubbish under your seat!
wah lau!
let me see i sure slap him.
and be the typical singaporean. COMPLAIN HIM!

some singaporeans are so ugly.
cutting queues
blasting their MP3 or talking loudly on public transport. (i never like public transport)
pushing and stepping on my foot without apologising
blocking my way (walk like its their ah gong road.)
eating food that have strong smell
bringing durian into air con place (if they eat in buses or train, i will break their hands and pull out all their teeth, and curse them hoping they get diabetes. no more durian for them!)

hais. culturally uncultured singaporeans.

loosing you for good - 16th aug

i letting go for good.
there's no point carrying on
i am going to lose you forever.
if there will be 'next time'
let it be the other way round.

healing will long and arduous
missing you will be inevitable
but i will overcome them,
i just need time. a long time.
what i am letting go is 4 years of feelings for you
memories will be forever kept in my heart.

we will be friends. just friends.
if fate let us cross path again
please let it be the other way round.
probably, it will be easier that way.


舍不得又无可奈何

perfect or not? - 14th aug

seems like everyone is having the perfect life.
at least in my eyes they are.

Jasmine's bf came back from taiwan - army training
distant cousin getting engage next month
may's having school holidays
my mummy just came back from a trip to malaysia and she said she had fun. and now she i planning to fly off to China w/o me!

my life is just messy
unfinish essay and its due in slightly more than a week
school is crazy. lots of reading to do. but not yet done.
want to go on a short trip but cannot find ppl to accompany me.
lots of things to buy, but money is always not enough to satisfy my retail therapy
personal problems.

at least, it rain today. haha. wei kiat is enjoying his mud bathe lo! haha. when he book out this friday(tentative) he is going to have smooth and fair skin. haha. ENVY!

i am starting to miss alot of people.
when you are feeling rather down, you tend to miss people even more.
i miss May. (where are you? why never online?)
i miss Jasmine. (for some reason, when i am with you, i feel happier. she is the kai xin guo)
i miss Veron. (her hugs can comfort me)
i miss Eunice. (her listening ear. but i think we just met up last weekend only)
i miss Him. (even though feelings have change, the urge to see you is still there. seeing you fine and happy makes me feel better.)
in short, i just miss everyone la.

hais. its just perfect for everyone and messy for mine. i envy them. i am turning green, with envy.

have you ever? - 13th aug

have you ever felt very lost suddenly?

have you ever had this feeling which is so difficult to put into words?

have you ever feel so uneasy and worried?

have you ever long for the week to end as soon as possible?

i just want this weekend to come. at least for thursday to come by soon.
time pass by super slow suddenly.
still got tuesday and wednesday before thursday arrive.
that's when i can see the weekends ahead. the time to have fun and play.

ps: jie mei still in field camp in some jungle at Tekong, uncontactable. praying for the rain to come. so that he can have a mud spa. not everyone can have such privilege to have a mud spa in the nature. lucky him!

there's nothing wrong with me - 12th aug

there is really nothing wrong with me
eating less doesn't mean i have an eating disorder
so stop labelling me.
i know i am worrying my mum with all my unhealthy eating habits
but i am perfectly fine.
i feel okay. not great but at least okay.

i don't have any signs of eating disorder.
so stop calling anorexic or bulimic or whatsoever.
i am normal.
i just have a smaller appetite. thats all.
i don't deny i have a fear of gaining weight
but who doesn't?
so its not my problem only.
if everyone who has the fear of gaining weight, are they all having eating disorder?
then every single girl in singapore would have to see a doctor.

for the last time, please stop telling me i have a disorder.
its pissing me off.
and for the last time i am saying, i just have a smaller appetite.

stop labelling me.

ps: things are changing so fast that its hard to catch up with the pace. it's sweeping me off my feet before i knew what's going on. i just realise i need to grab hold of the fact that things aren't the same anymore. feelings have changed and someone new will come. you will be the past. letting go will be hard but loving you is even harder now than before.

NDP - 10th aug

HAPPY (belated) BIRTHDAY SINGAPORE!
haha...
when to watch fireworks at marina square, and i think i got one of the best view even though its very crowded.
the fireworks just explodes right in front your eyes.
NICE!

but some singaporeans are really inconsiderate.
so what if you are an elderly or a kid.
you have to be considerate to others.
don't use them as your privilege
don't think that if you are elder you must be given respect and priority to every single thing.
YOU'VE GOT TO EARN RESPECT FROM OTHERS. NOT BY DEFAULT THAT WE SHOULD RESPECT YOU.
and i won't give anyone respect that they aren't suppose to deserve.
damn! spoiler for the day.

overall, it was still worthwhile.










i love the skyline of singapore.


the proudest moment.


its like a postcard.


NICE!


freaking crowded







ps: its always this time that i feel so empty. is it because its already a habit or some things have changed.

sleep deprived - 9 aug

i need sleep.
been so deprive of sleep that i can really sleep anywhere and anytime
less than 6 hrs of sleep everyday.
i turning into zombie soon

SLEEP!

ps: HAPPY NATIONAL DAY. eveywhere is red...

secret. - 7th aug

i've got something to say.
but i can't.

is it just a process
or is it real.

i don't have many secrets to hide.
but this is probably the biggest one ever.
and i will never tell
not over my dead body.
try making me drunk
probably i will still never tell. (i can't get drunk)

deep secret. dark secret.
its a secret.
shh!

paranoid? - 7th aug

am i paranoid or what?
i think i am fat.
i feel fat.

the fact is that i am fat
at least to me, i am.
every gram kills

fUCK. its one of those days when i feel so insecure
when the needle on the weighing moved a little more to the right.
damn it. i just feel so fat and dumpy.

ps: i once thought you were irreplacable. you will be replaced. but you will be special, no matter what.

photos: NDP Rehearsal - 6th aug

lots of photos coming up...

we reach there early.
gotta be seated by 1630hrs and the show started at 1820hrs
so we've got lots of time to take pictures here and there.
its a great time to take zi lian pictures.
cam whore in action!




bright and sunny


pretty.


scandal.


did i shock her?


she's beginning to be pissed off.


i win!


very pretty girls.


i am seeing her behind May's back. shh!


xiao mei mei very cute.


the thorn among the flowers


peek-a-boo!






being retarded again. i've got eye bags!!


start lo!


marching into parade square


NDP 07


majulah singapura...


zoom....


tell you.... *giggles*.


NS 40... National Service started 40 years ago.


she's a woman!


sister, don't so sian lehs


lightings are super beautiful.


ren shan ren hai.



ps: i need to change! stop being such a procrastinator! I NEED TO JIAN FEI!